Song of the Day: China Survival Guide – Rule the Queue Part 2

Posted on February 1, 2012

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Them chicks also very bad. foto@me

This is Part 2 of my Rule the Queue series. Read Part 1 here.

Part 2: The Hell-Race Kicks Off

Ludcris feat. Nicki Minaj “My Chick Bad”

Yeah, Ludacris tells them like it is. And so do I. This chick SO BAD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. (I mean, when it come to queue-observances, that is.) TELL YOUR CHICK TO GO HOME. In this part, I start to engage my competition, and I let her know who she’s dealing with. Yes, Luda, I always bring the racket, like Venus and Serena.

Push push push. Some shitface behind me is pushing. I TSK at her loudly and obnoxiously, but she out-obnoxious-es me with the glazed look-into-the-distance-and-completely-avoid-eye-contact blank stare that all Chinese people have when they’re trying to jump the queue, which is clearly when the clueless ding behind me is doing. Clueless because she doesn’t know I am the Boss Queen of Don’t Jump My Fucking Queue Unless You Want Your Face to Hurt.

I firmly elbow her encroaching belly-and-bag thrust and the natives subside, subdued for the moment. I can still feel her quivering mound of cheap cotton-covered flesh against my arm, poised for a second strike. I push a bit more. The encroaching wave falter a bit, then gives way and washes back into the sea in shame. I quickly insert a hipbone into the bit of empty beach left by its retreat, just to cement my position and assert my territorial integrity.

To seal my first victory, I square my hips and plant my fake-Converse-shod feet firmly against the luggage trolley, vaguely aware that, as the minutes tick on, these trickles of saltwater are merely the first droplets of a killer tsunami.

There is a remix of Ludacris’ “My Chick Bad” that features Diamond, Trina and Eve, which predictably has the three hip hop femmes being, well, bad. I actually prefer Nicki Minaj to them. Don’t hate. Nicki is amazing. I want to kiss her, I want to kick her, I want to kill her, I want to be her.

But you know what’s really bad? This boy Eric Stanley is so, so bad. Cute AND talented. Ouch. Tell your chicks to go home, indeed.